The Mother Chronicles

Every Christmas Eve, our family had a tradition.

Along with the presents under the tree, everyone got a single scratch-off lottery ticket.

Whoever bought them would tuck them into the Christmas tree, and after dinner, everyone would pick one.

Nobody expected to get rich. It was just a little bit of fun to end the evening.

This particular Christmas, sometime in the early to mid-2000s, things were a little different.

Money was incredibly tight. We weren't destitute, but we were definitely feeling...

If you've read any of these stories, you've probably started to wonder where my mother gets some of her... creative problem-solving skills.

Well, she didn't invent them.

They came honestly.

As it turns out, insanity runs in the family, and my grandparents were more than happy to pass it down.

By this time, my grandmother's health had taken a terrible toll on her. My grandfather, Tony, whom we all called Pap, had become her full-time caregiver. He did the cooking, the cleaning, and just about...

When I was growing up, every summer seemed to include at least one trip to a place my family called Slippery Rock.

Technically, it wasn't Slippery Rock.

It was Flat Rock at Linn Run State Park in Ligonier Pennsylvania.

Nobody in my family cared.

To us, it was Slippery Rock.

If you've never been there, picture a wide sheet of smooth sandstone with cold mountain water flowing over it. It was only a few inches deep in most places, just enough to cool you off on a hot summer day. Kids climbed the...

My ex-boyfriend, who we'll call "Rob" for the sake of protecting the reputation of someone who probably doesn't deserve protecting...

Years ago, "Rob" and I bought our first house together. We were excited to finally have a place of our own and spent weeks buying furniture, painting rooms, and trying to make it feel like home.

The house had three floors. The third floor had a finished bedroom. The main floor had another bedroom, the kitchen, dining room, and living room. Downstairs, the...

If there were an Olympic event for accidentally breaking electronics, my mother would have enough gold medals to need a second trophy case.

It's not that she doesn't understand technology.

It's that technology seems to know she's coming.

Computers freeze.

Printers refuse to print.

TVs suddenly switch inputs.

Cell phones develop mysterious symptoms no one has ever seen before.

Then she hands me the device.

I press one button.

It works.

She stares at me like I'm a wizard.

She has this uncanny ability to...

In October of 2017, my mother and I packed up everything we owned and left Pennsylvania for North Carolina.

Why?

Because things had gotten too expensive in Pennsylvania.

And my mother wanted to retire.

North Carolina, she insisted, was the perfect place.

I was...

Less enthusiastic.

Now, here's where our brilliant plan began.

We sold the house.

Packed everything we owned into a moving truck.

And had the movers put it all into storage.

The idea was simple.

Drive to North Carolina.

Find a place to rent.

Then...

People always ask me why I hate summer.

Pull up a chair.

I work from home on overnights, so you'd think I'd have this figured out.

My office is in my bedroom.

Every morning around 7:30, I finish work, close the laptop, and make the exhausting commute from my desk to my bed.

It's about one foot.

I don't even have to change rooms.

My entire strategy for surviving summer is simple:

Stay inside.

Avoid windows.

Pretend the outside world doesn't exist until October.

I have blackout curtains.

A window air...